Been a while...

I have recently started having dreams that I am heavy, weighing too much, which must be weighing on my mind or why would I dream about it. Usually, I am happy with myself. I still am to tell the truth, but I am on a bit of a downer as six weeks ago I injured my ankle during hockey training. Ruptured a ligament and tore three others. I was in a moon boot, then in strapping... still am in strapping though I get days off now. However, what this has all meant is that I am not really exercising and still eating too much of the sugary goodness. It started the day after I got injured when my sister, bless her, bought me chocolate. It all went down hill from there.
So, I have been brooding over putting weight on. It is hard enough to keep weight at a steady due to the pill and Karen, the most amazing baking lady who cares for us teachers. Because of this, I am terrified to get on the scales. When I was at my largest, just over 100kg, I thought I was still okay. I hadn't really seen pictures of myself from head to toe. I am afraid that this is like that. I am afraid that I actually have put all that weight back on or that I am in denial about putting all that weight back on.
It was my birthday two weeks ago. I had plans that for my new year (my birthday is my new year after all) to start getting healthy, going back to cooking my meals, portion control, fitness etc. None of it has happened. I have been sick. Injured. Start to recover then get sick again. Perhaps they are excuses but when a person can't breath properly it is hard to start doing fitness.
Oh, and what fitness can I do? Nothing that involves my ankle too much.
I have started though. I am trying to go for a walk every day. I can't go far, but I take the dog to the beach and walk the length and back on the hard sand. Today I tried walking from my house to the beach. It was okay. It is mostly down hill which my ankle likes better than uphill. This is a small positive. I have cooked twice this week... had chinese last night... whanau night always screws up my plans but a person cannot say no to wontons and fried rice!
I have marking for Africa and am so behind that I can't see the end. I am actually quite stressed and when that happens I eat. I never realised I was an emotional eater until my niece got sick, then I was like ooohhh, cake, chocolate, food, food, food, yes please.
Alright, so here is the new plan... now that I have eaten the last of the chocolate in the house.

• I am going to take it slow. Walk every day with the dog. 
• I am going to cook my meals and they will show portion control.
• I will attend a swimming class once a week from next week on a Wednesday.
• I am not going to buy any chocolate at the supermarket.
• Any chocolate I am given is going straight into storage. I will not open it. Open chocolate is the end for my self-control.
• I am going to make my lunch.

Doesn't seem so bad. I will add to it, as my ankle allows it. I also need to do free or cheap things due to my dog currently sucking my back account dry. He is a puppy. Enough said.

Don't jiggle your lady parts!

I have not made contact in a while. There is a reason. Work has pretty much devoured my social life. The past few weeks have been shit. I have not made it out to do anything for myself really.
But no more! I say this, but in reality, yeah, it will happen again.
Positives are that hockey training season has started. Hockey festival is this weekend which is a great chance to meet the team and have a run around. On the weekend I also completed the coastal challenge. 17km walk over the coastline, rock hopping/slipping, trudging though the sea and across the sand. My goals was 3 hours. I did it in 3 hours 1 min 51 seconds. Pretty stoked with that, especially since I was knackered by about the 10km mark and my legs felt like they were going to fall off! They didn't, in case you were wondering. It was a close call though.
Right now, I am lying in bed with a UTI. Pretty sure I picked that up in the coastal challenge too. I had to wade though an estuary, after a storm and that water was manky. It smelt bad and I feel like it was probably a mix of sewerage and sea swirling about as I crossed it. Un-San-I-Tary! It was up to my waist and it was 4 hours after that, that I had a shower, so yeah... I have got some antibiotics so hopefully those will start to kick in soon. I really want to pee without cringing or the feeling of 'if i don't go now, I will wet myself.' Stupid lady parts!
Anyway, the coastal challenge is the way to kick of my winter sport season. Now, I just need to tell my tastebuds that they don't need to taste the sugary goodness everyday, and tell my self-management to buck up and stop demanding marshmellows and chocolate.
I think I am going to have to start brushing my teeth straight after dinner until these cravings pass. My in built psychy says that if I have brushed my teeth it must be bedtime and bedtime is after 8.30pm and we don't eat chocolate after 8.30pm.
I actually don't know where this rule came from, but it is stuck in my brain. Someone said to me a few months back that we should get come icecream. I said we couldn't because it was after 8.30 and she gave me the weirdest look and asked where that rule came from. Dunno, but I think I should make it no sweets after 7.30pm. That gives me an hour less to fuck it up and raid the cupboard.
I am missing hockey training tonight, because, if you have ever had a uti, running is not something a person does unless it is to a loo. Don't jiggle around the bladder or the lady parts until it is settled down and vage is calm once more.
With those words, I sign off.

day... oh shit, fell off the wagon

Sigh... I fell off the wagon. I fell of it hard. I had, up until a week ago, been doing quite well but work has been getting increasingly stressful and so I have been dipping into the chocolates. I have a thing about sugar. When I don't have it for awhile, I am good. I don't crave it, but boy do I crave it when I start to have it again.
And I know better. Sugar makes me feel sick. I can have a little but more than a few squares of chocolate and I feel ill and have to drink a lot of water. Of course, that doesn't stop me. I think I need to give myself another talking to.
Also, my period is set to arrive this Wednesday - like clockwork thanks to the pill. I am bloated, my poor lower stomach is puffier than usual, and I was craving chocolate this weekend. I have indulged. The block is gone. Now, the 'just say no' campaign begins anew. Say 'no' to Karen's amazing baking, say 'no' to the lollies that I still have from Christmas, say 'no' to snacks and say yes to homemade lunches, fruit, and dinners with some kind of potion control.
I have been wobbling though. So that is one small victory.
The other is that this Wednesday hockey training starts. I have paid my fees so there is no turning back. I got to make the most of it. Paying for it!
I also booked the coastal challenge 17km walk for this weekend. I have never trained for it yet and I had plans that this year I would, but before I knew it, it was this weekend and I had not done a single thing.
My goal is to get over the finish line in under three hours. I have never made it to prizegiving before, so it would be good to do so this year. I am to set off at 10am. Prizegiving is at 1pm. I can do that. I think. It will also give me a chance to try out my gps unit and see how it tracks. Probably need to look that up before Saturday.
Well, that is me. I am going to bed. I have a headache from all that is happening at the moment. I need to get on top of work. I think I might even take a day off work - mental health is starting to be affected. Couldn't even get up the energy to smile. I felt like a grumpy ol' bitch face teacher today. Luckily most of my students have shit days too they can't really cast those stones.

Day 9 - said no to brownie then yes to 5 other things...

Soooo... not been the best two days. I turned down chocolate brownie at work and felt so good but then it all sort of fell apart when I got home and my sister gave me half a bag of mms which I devoured most of. It was only when it got to the last few mouthfuls that I stopped. But that is not all... Confession looks like this.... today I had baker's delight pizza, finished off the last of the mms, finished off half a twix, had a cookies and cream ice cream, fish and chips for dinner... and currently sitting in bed drinking a beer and watching tv. Cos that is what classy single ladies do on a Saturday night.
Did wiggle today though. And by today, I mean 20 minutes ago. Didn't do it yesterday and I don't want to get into the habit of not doing it every day.
You know what cracks me up though, the instructions. They are very, overly, suggestively clear that the vibration platform is for fitness only and not to be used in any other way. I realise that it is a giant vibrator but come on. Really. I think if a lady is going to get vibrator that is not a vibrator, I doubt it is going to be a platform which presents all kinds of issues when you are feeling lusty. Pretty sure most ladies would just go for 1) a real vibrator or 2) at least something they can hold in their hand.
I went out for dinner last night too.
This was on the menu. What concerns me is two things which you may have already noticed. Firstly, what exactly is vage tempura. Not even sure what the ramifications are of that food gem, and secondly, how can something deep fried be 'diet'. Being a teacher of teenagers, I am so using this when I discuss the power of proofreading. Nobody wants vage tempura. Nobody.

Goal for tomorrow - avoid binging on chocolate. I would say my goals is to not eat chocolate tomorrow, but I am a realist. I will eat some. The goal is to stop at 'some'. My sister has informed me that she had just stocked up upstairs on chocolately goodness... must stay strong.

Day 7

Okay, so I feel I should explain that it is day 7 but I am only starting my blog today. This is because I am lazy... not a good way to start a diet, but then this isn't really a diet so much as behaving myself.
I hate the word diet. It means starving and saying no to cake... which I can't do. What I can do, however, is say just a little bit then stare longingly at everyone else with their huge ass slice, trying my best to remember that my huge ass is part of the problem. Haha.
Now, just to be clear, I am generally quite happy with my life. I have a job which is challenging and keeps me on my toes. After dealing with depression and anxiety I now have, for the past 5 years, had really good work life balance which is harder than some people understand. I am a teacher. The expectation is that I have zero life and want to be in my classroom all the time and when I am not, I want to take my classroom with me and mark into the wee hours. Not happening.
So, here I am. Mentally sound (as much as I can be, cause let's be honest, the best people are a bit crazy) and loving life.
For a while I did weight watchers while I was struggling with depression and that helped me get started. I learned what portion control was and how to have a little (most of the time). Because of this and their staring into your soul when confessing to eating pudding every day for a week, I lost around 18 kg. But, there came a time when WW no longer suited me. I was stuck on a weight, couldn't shift it and that just made me frustrated. We also got a new meeting lady and I liked the last one better; she was less self righteous and often confessing herself to having put on a kg from the bender on the weekend. Someone a person could relate to! Anyway, I quit.
For a while it was going well, and I lost a few more kgs - met my 20kg mark, but then... yip, food, apathetic attitude and issues with my gym membership, and the weight started to creep on.
I have put on around 10kg of that weight I lost. I am okay with that and to be honest, I actually like my body, I like my curves, I like my hips, but I don't like that my nice pants are just getting a tad tight, and my expensive jeans I bought in celebration of this great victory against flab and depression, I have had to fix with material and stitching because my thighs now rub together with enough friction to light a small campfire. To clarify, in case you think thigh rub is new for me, ha! I have never been one of those chicks whose thighs don't meet. Never. But for a brief time, I was a chick where her thighs lightly brushed past as opposed to getting stuck like two tectonic plates shifting, about to cause an earthquake or tsunami.
I digress, back to day 7. Just over a week a go, I bought a vibration platform. I waited for the buzz to die down and the prices to quarter and purchased one. When it arrived, that was day 0.
I had already started eating salads again. I mostly hate salad when I have to make it and I had given myself a firm talking to about buying food from our glorious lunch lady, and putting a stop to the after dinner chocolates.
Since day 0 I have 'wiggled' every day for 10 minutes. I have eaten healthy during the day... except for when I cave and purchase food - freaking date scones or chocolate chip cookie... so good, so bad, so satisfying.
I have come to the conclusion that if I am documenting my food habits, my day, and my 'wiggling' then maybe I might be more controlled when it comes to chocolate. Prime example, tonight I had burger king and mms. This is not usual for me, so you know. Usually I eat healthy and I cook a lot but I had been at work till 5.45pm marking papers and couldn't be arsed cooking. I was so focused on a song that was playing in the car, I drove past the 'healthy' option for takeaways so had to go to burger king instead and because I was there, I figured I might as well, enjoy it, so ordered chicken nuggets and fingers.
So goals! I am going to wiggle for 10 minutes every day and I am going to eat healthy. I am going to write down my daily going on's and any actual fitness I do. Who knows I might even get enthused enough to find my pedometer and track that too (wouldn't hold my breath on that one - not actually sure where I put it last).